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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ayla's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
4:56 pm
Nightmare
Just before I woke up today I had the most suffocating nightmare. I woke up with my heart pounding or at least feeling really anxious. In my dream I was in my bedroom and woke up because I heard the storm outside. Instinctively I checked my open window for water to find that the entire wall was leaking and somehow I could see through every level of the building up the wall discovering that the problem was the entire side of the building!

I slid the window down so it would be open a jar and did the same to the one next to it. Of course at this point I find myself naked and flashing the people outside. The people I'm flashing happen to include this gentleman who looks greasy and sleazy but turns out to try and distract the others away from the window to shield me from embarrassment.

Then somehow I've left the apartment and I'm either not worried about being naked or I'm dressed and I find myself in the non-existent communal laundry in the also non-existent inner courtyard of this quadrangle style apartment block. Here I bump into my ex-housemate Michelle Z. from Ryde but she seems to be living in the same apartment block. All through this sequence of events I'm switching from sheer panic to calm panic and this is made worse by the fact that I'm finding it extremely hard to stay awake or even be understood by anyone in the dream.

I leave the laundry and Michelle to go back to my flat but during this I somehow know that I've locked myself out. Someone I cannot recall suggests that Michelle can let me in which now makes no sense because this is Ashfield and not Ryde and I am about to call on her when this random set of keys I suddenly have in my hand come to my attention and I find a strange looking key which to my great relief fits into the door and lets me in. I take a look at the keys and with smug self-pride congratulate myself for being so organized or anal because I remember making sure I had the extra apartment door key added to this set just in case I picked it up by mistake like I had in this instance. I was still panicking, anxious and desperate to escape this scene and then thankfully I woke after letting myself into the apartment. Anyhow waking up was a great relief because reality beat this dream hands down and there's no such set of spare keys for my apartment!!!!!

Was this dream trying to tell me I'm an arrogant naked control freak with a problem leak who needs to get a spare set of keys cut?

Current Mood: amused
Saturday, June 6th, 2009
2:45 pm
Ayla....on my knees and begging!
Hello Folks,
Well I'm here to nag you...yes that's right!!!!
AND OF COURSE...BEG



If you are planning to come to this incredible piano recital then I beg you to put me out of my misery and RSVP. Alternatively you may enjoy torturing me, so if that is your thing then please just come to this piano recital!

I have had the most life changing and wonderful experiences at Choral Intervarsities and many of you can attest to a similar experience or know me enough to know that choir can often be my life....(I know this can be frustrating!) I'm trying to raise as much money as is humanly possible in very little time at all and my friend and brilliant concert pianist Paul Young has offered to play for free with all proceeds from this event going to the FRESHER fund for Hobart Intervarsity Choral Festival.

Yes, why they didn't think about doing this when we were freshers well who knows but please help us send the first years and other Choir Festival Virgins to Hobart to have the time of their lives!

Pretty Please With Sugar On Top?

Love

Ayla

Current Mood: chipper
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
4:23 am
Message for Boojumlol
I can drive us to see that band in Canberra because the last SUMS concert is on the 28th May! Hooray!!!!!!!!!! I posted because i didn't think i had your latest email address and then I remembered all the recent group emails and now feel very dumb but am totally amused at myself. Tee hee hee! Oh I also have your comb in my car from folk festival but I keep forgetting to tell you that it fell out in my car...

This will be pasted into an email just in case you don't visit lj.

La la
Thursday, December 27th, 2007
1:30 am
Best Present to Myself Ever!
The day that I have been waiting for my whole life is finally here...

I am finally moving out of home and for those of you who have followed the saga and had me cry on your shoulders or on the phone about my family you'll understand just how happy I truly am!

Tomorrow or at least later on today I will be going out to buy a fridge. Yes I am very excited for I will be the proud owner of many new and generously donated white goods!

I get to billet people for IV for the first time ever. I just ask the lovely ladies who are staying with me not to scare my shy baby brother...with crazy IV stuff of course ;) too much.

I will be moving to Madradish's old place in Summer Hill on the 3rd January and she will be moving her life over to Perth on the 8th January. I get to sign the lease in exactly one weeks time OMG! I need to connect the electricity and gas and choose an internet provider and most importantly decorate the way I like! YaaaaaaaYYYYYYeeee!

I will still be a 5 minute drive or train ride from school and even closer to the city for SUMS and other fun escapades ;)

I will get to practice opera without feeling like one of my parents will tell me to stop or rest my voice or whatever other cock and bull reason they happen to come up with. I will have true freedom and feel at home in my own home. And what is even more wonderful than I ever could have possibly imagined is that my brother will be with me and not back at my parents in the environment that has made us so depressed for so long.

Once we're settled we can help my Mum to find and set up her own place. I've said this to a few people lately because it's too much to go over it again so soon. I used to call my family situation dis-functional partly because I hadn't come to terms with it in my own head and because it was easier than explaining my whole life. Dis-functional is a euphemism and it was easier to say that than to admit that I was in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive environment, and that me, a strong, independent, educated woman was letting myself be trapped in it, I was putting up with it.

I beg you all never to settle for second best in partners or any other really important things in life. It just leads to resentment and bitterness and lowers your quality of life. I watched my parents do it and I couldn't bare to see my friends do it... I love you guys and I'll keep you posted about the house warming TBA

Current Mood: accomplished
Monday, November 5th, 2007
3:04 am
Lost Phone
Hello Folks

Some of you will already know from my facebook events post that I lost my phone and hence all of my numbers! If you have not already done so or you just feel like giving me your number could you please be wonderful and email it to me at

icansinghigher@gmail.com

take care beautiful people...

Current Mood: sleepy
Monday, August 20th, 2007
9:02 pm
Eating Drinking Dancing Singing
Ayla's Birthday Party!

Do I really need to give you a reason to attend?

Saturday, September 1, 2007 at 8:00pm

Steki Taverna
2 O'Connell Street (just off King Street)
Newtown

Map
Dinner and Cocktails starting at STEKI TAVERNA and then moving on to ZANZI BAR!

Steki's will have a banquet of delicious Greek food and when you think they've served every course they bring out the scrumptious shredded lamb! DANCING THE ZORBA IS MANDATORY...as is tasting the OUZO!

Dinner is banquet only sorry folks! $39.50

RSVP by email or phone, text, telegraph, smoke signals...but just do it as soon as possible because the restauraunt lady is having many cows as we speak!

Current Mood: busy
Sunday, August 5th, 2007
1:30 pm
Yay for us Leos!
This is a shameless plug for myself...

My birthday is on the 9th August but I am having a party on Saturday 1st Sepember.

Please keep Saturday 1st September FREE...or some part of it :)

I don't know what I want to do yet so I would love suggestions...

If you are inclined to buy me a present (and have not already done so), that's awesome because I'm having a...

LET'S RESPRAY AYLA'S CAR FUND...colour suggestions welcome....batteries not included.

See you at my Birthday

Lots of Love

:)

Ayla

Current Mood: bouncy
Saturday, February 3rd, 2007
2:05 am
No computer :(
Because I'm far too lazy to use an internet cafe and I don't have access at work, email and all that computer related jazz is a really bad way to contact me at the moment. This is Lisa's computer!!!! Yay for Agsilver.

My computer lived it's final life after many a reformatting experience and now I need a new old school hard drive, so my brother informs me. I could by a whole new computer or take Molly's old one that I'm being offered tomorrow. What the hell is an old school hard drive and what are the chances of finding one that's not as fried as my own?! Times like this that I wish I were a computer geek :(

Apparently a 40gig drive will probably be the old school drive that he's talking about. If anyone has any helpful suggestions please sms me and I'll call you back. I finally have credit again on my phone.

Too afraid to look at my email so I'm logging off before I'm tempted to.

Ayla
Saturday, December 30th, 2006
2:17 pm
NYE 2006
It's that end of year again!!!!!

Come and enjoy the best fireworks in the world from the best view in the world on the best harbour in the world...

So I'm a little biased you say? Well tough! That's the way you like me :}

Molly, Veronica, Shruti and I will be laying about all day long from the early afternoon on the grassy stretch of land that is Kirribilli's very own Bradfield Park. This is located under the North-East Pylon of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Just get out at Milson's Point Station and walk down the eastern side of the bridge until you reach the water. Give my mobile a call when you get near if you need to, but I am pretty hard to miss!!!

If you want to BYO alcohol you need to put it in a plastic bottle and preferably make it clear alcohol in a clear water bottle. You got the idea so be creative and we'll all have lots of fun. It is a picnic so bring food for yourself or to share and anything else that will make you happy and or comfortable...
Thursday, October 19th, 2006
2:24 pm
My Opera is this Weekend!
Sorry to be unoriginal and quote myself. This is a reminder...
I won't be in the Saturday 28th October performance as I will be enjoying Lisa and Antony's wedding! Yay!

But all other dates I'll be there as witch and chorus or just chorus depending on the casting that night. Actually here is the casting...

Saturday 21 - Chorus
Sunday 22 - Witch and Chorus
Saturday 28 - Lisa's Wedding
Sunday 29 - Chorus
Saturday 4 - Witch and Chorus
Sunday 5 - Witch and Chorus

You know you want to see me play a wicked horrible witch!!!!

I'm nasty...

I'm mean...

I'm sexy...

and...

Wait for it...

I cackle!!!!!


North Sydney Opera Presents

Dido and Aeneas

St Leonards Catholic Church Hall, Willoughby Rd, Naremburn
7.30pm Saturday October 21
2pm Sunday October 22

Montgomery Theatre, RSL Retirement Village,Veterans Pde, Collaroy Plateau
7.30pm Saturday October 28 and November 4
2pm Sunday October 29 and November 5

TICKETS $20 ($15 Concession)

Current Mood: cheerful
Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
3:28 pm
Ayla in Dido and Aeneas
You know you want to see me play a wicked horrible witch!!!!

I'm nasty...

I'm mean...

I'm sexy...

and...

Wait for it...

I cackle!!!!!


North Sydney Opera Presents

Dido and Aeneas

St Leonards Catholic Church Hall, Willoughby Rd, Naremburn
7.30pm Saturday October 21
2pm Sunday October 22

Montgomery Theatre, RSL Retirement Village,Veterans Pde, Collaroy Plateau
7.30pm Saturday October 28 and November 4
2pm Sunday October 29 and November 5

TICKETS $20 ($15 Concession)
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
2:04 am
Operatunity Oz
Idol for Opera Singers?

That probably best describes it!

The show starts tonight (Sunday) on ABC at 7.30pm...

Tune in and you might see me???

lalalala
Thursday, September 28th, 2006
9:03 pm
National Eisteddfod
Currently I'm drunk on good wine and sitting at mon's computer in canberra.

Today began with almost missing the bus to canberra and having to make the cab driver chase the bus to sydney international airport. Well as you can tell i made it, much to the amusement of adele and michelle who were already on the bus!

It was partly my fault because I caught a taxi instead of the train and the driver tried to take some shortcut to avoid parramatta road but they were all clogged because people were trying to get off parramatta road! So we had to chase the coach to the airport instead.

Well enough of that...I'm in Canberra to compete in the National Eisteddfod so come along to point and laugh or just say hello.

Friday 10am
German Leider at Wesley Music Centre, National Circuit, Forrest

Friday 1pm
National Oratorio at Wesley Music Centre, National Circuit, Forrest

Saturday 10am
National Aria at Wesley Music Centre, National Circuit, Forrest

Hope to see you there if you're in Canberra

Ayla
Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
5:05 pm
The Great Songbook Bash
Dear choristers,

Firstly I would like to apologise if you have now received this message or some version of it a thousand times!!!

As you all may well know by now, Michelle and I are mad keen on getting you all together somewhere and torturing you with a pubsong session. How is this any different from a normal wednesday at the pub you may ask? Well this time we are gathering to learn these said pieces and many more in order to inflict our voices on unsuspecting members of the public in future.

If this sounds like your cup of tea then come along this wednesday to Wesley College Crypt at 6:30pm for a fun notebash with us. Remember to bring yourself, your voice and any great ideas you may have. Wesley College is located opposite the front of the Bosch Building and just incase you can't tell which one it is, it looks just like a college (Am I not ever so helpful?)


We are planning to repeat this madness next week on wednesday, same time, same place.


Love You All


Ayla
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
9:21 pm
9:07 pm
Ha Ha HAAAAA!!!!!!
I'm Fantine!
Though I mean well, my trusting nature gets me into appalling amounts of trouble. Still, I do my best to get through, and I would do absolutely anything for my loved ones.

Which Les Miserables Character Are You?



Well who else could I be Lol?
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
12:34 am
hollow brain explains the high notes!
You Are 88% Open Minded

You are so open minded that your brain may have fallen out!
Well, not really. But you may be confused on where you stand.
You don't have a judgemental bone in your body, and you're very accepting.
You enjoy the best of every life philosophy, even if you sometimes contradict yourself.


goodnight folks

Current Mood: sleepy
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
8:58 pm
Dedicated to Hecticred...and totally self indulgent
I had to make this decision a few years ago when I closed the door for the time being to an academic physics career and said hello to teaching. I was uninspired by my life in physics and more importantly I desperately needed a time out. Teaching gave that to me and allowed me to process all the science that I loved so much but couldn't deal with at the time. It wasn't easy and it still isn't and teaching high school isn't where I want to be. I don't feel settled because I want to be an opera singer and I'm terrified I'll do the selfless and stupid thing of getting so much into teaching that I don't do anything else for myself. I hate the edict "Those who can't do, Teach" because I was an ungrateful little shit once who treated my teachers that way. Well I only did it when they couldn't answer my questions or treated me like my curiosity about quantum physics or philosophy threatened their creditability or wasted their time.

As a teacher I don't believe going off on a tangent is a waste of time no matter how crammed the fucking syllabus is. Student's blossom(I'm such a year advisor) when they can share their philosophy about life the universe and everything in an environment where it can be guided and or nurtured. Tangents often help to connect the dots or join the neurons which is what is really happening inside our minds between a topic from history to a science or maths. I am wholistic in my approach to teaching and the universe. Like everything in my life I see the connections, I believe in the harmony of the spheres metaphorically speaking. I am a rennaisance woman. To reiterate I feel and think that music, science, maths, everything dammit is the same thing. I look at the world and I see fractals and frequencies of light,sound, vibrations, mechanical, electromagnetic, matrices, functions and I get carried away because it's romantic, exquisit and for me it's not science or art but they're the same thing. Art is my science and science is my art. Have I explained myself? Am I understood?

Talk about a tangent but I needed to do it...
As an ignorant but enthusiastic sci-fi nerd and high school student, I wanted to play with the fundamental theories about the nature of the universe and I knew that meant that I kind of wanted to be a cosmologist. Then I thought that I needed to become a theoretical physicist. Well basically I had no clue as to the path I needed to take to fulfill my dreams let alone the self confidence to execute my plan. I spent my entire physics degree terrified that someone would find out that I was an intellectual fraud and the rest of my time fighting this self distructive thought that I was a fool and fucking up my HSC meant that I'd missed the biggest oportunity of my life.

I was no fraud. I know that now. I earned my place in Bachelor of Science and hung on for dear life in every subject through years of self diagnosed and self treated (untreated?) depression. If there's one thing I can say for my family is that we are fighters. We keep going even when it feels like everything we are doing is fighting upstream or opposing entropy. I didn't value that as much once and thought of it more as a flaw of the stubborn fool, than a gift.

This 80's child truly knows the meaning of that Whitney Houston SOLID GOLD hit "The Greatest Love of All"...
"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all"
I think some of us spend our whole lives learning this and some sadly never do and go on feeling like frauds. If you feel like one then it's not all bad becase at least that means unlike the real frauds you would probably be the last person to ever bullshit someone else and therefore whatever you do say comes from the heart...it's so real and genuine that you'd never find a "real genuine leather" mark branded into it!

Teaching has helped me to find myself and stop feeling like a fraud and if I go back to my "Reflections" about teaching and why I became a teacher I said that I had a selfish reason for doing so. I was on top of the world until the end of year 10 and the dux of my school. During this time I understood my work, didn't need to study and tutored other students. Well I was the one who explained things to other people. I knew that if I could explain it to someone else then I knew it even better and I loved helping others GET IT. I also could explain things in anyone's language, break things down to anyone's level. I didn't help students to understand things that I knew just so I could learn it better myself but when things started falling apart for me academically I noticed the absence of that skill. The work load and the subject matter had overtaken me... A cultural clash and desire for freedom and rebellion had reached a new level and I couldn't appease myself any longer with the promise that one day I'd have a powerful well paying job and could say adios to my patriarchal, old fashioned father.

I may mix up events, because as I recall situations and feelings I remember the most powerful theme that brought about my distruction was that I believed that the only thing I had going for myself was being ripped away from me. I was losing my mind. How could I suddenly be falling apart academically? I was a nerd, I never needed help from teachers, I didn't know how to ask for help! At the same time I wanted to be going out and partying and experiencing teenage love. Not couped up in my room studying my youth away. It feels funny remembering this stuff...one day I may record exactly where and when my HSC began its "downward spiral". It's not important to me anymore and I may just do it for posterity's sake. Hecticred, Boojumlol and Trampolineboy have heard it all before.

So this is why I felt like a fraud entering uni and doing physics. Some of the people I did my degree with represented the top 2% of the state in their field...some were geniuses...but so what? I'm just relieved that I have woken up from the nightmare of feeling like I lost my touch. I owe it all to deciding to be a teacher for a while and I no longer believe that teching is what you do when you can't do anything else. It wasn't what I expected it to be, and the more I teach the more I get blown away everyday about what incredible things my teachers did for me. I had to stand in their shoes to see and that us the only thing that makes me sad.

Hecticred you may not see it now but taking that brave step to walk away for a while and get a different perspective is the best thing you could have done. I thought that I would only ever like the uni physics tutoring that I do but I can't expess enough what an academic heaven a good teaching staffroom is like for this little geek. I'm just lucky that as a casual I get to bask in the sun of good maths, english, drama and music staffrooms also. I started with physics tutoring at uni and high school private tutoring and that alone boosted my confidence. It makes me cry just to think of the day when I found myself in the role of the uni physics tutor that I'd never thought I'd be smart enough to achieve.

The summary?
We've all felt like frauds,
You're brave enough to admit it...
1:54 pm

You fit in with:
Humanism



Your ideals mostly resemble that of a Humanist. Although you do not have a lot of faith, you are devoted to making this world better, in the short time that you have to live. Humanists do not generally believe in an afterlife, and therefore, are committed to making the world a better place for themselves and future generations.


20% spiritual.
100% reason-oriented.





Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
Saturday, March 4th, 2006
5:23 pm
What the? Explains My Hair!
<td align="center"> Ayla --
[noun]:

A real life muppet

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>
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